Know. See. Respond.

Know

Knowing how to spot behaviors used to groom a child for sexual abuse enables intuition and the ability to protect kids. Boundary violations can be:

Physical—for example, tickling wrestling, or going overboard with affection
Emotional—for example, spending too much time together, sending inappropriate text messages, or sharing personal details to make the child feel there’s a special relationship
Behavioral—for example, keeping secrets or looking at pornography

Even very young children can learn skills to help keep themselves safe from sexual abuse. Talk about the proper names for body parts. This helps kids to have the correct words to use when they need to tell you anything about their body.

Children understand the idea of rules. They know there are rules about playing nicely with others and rules about being safe, like wearing seat belts. Consider sharing rules with kids like, “Never let other people touch your private parts,” or “Never let anyone make you touch their private parts.”

See

Abuse can seem embarrassing, which means some children may not say anything at all. So, watch for warning signs. If something is wrong, you may see a sudden change in a child’s behavior, or you may hear unusual comments.

While sexual predators can be hard to identify, they often use common behaviors to groom a child for abuse. These grooming behaviors include:

Forming a relationship with a child—look for lavishing attention, gift giving, or excessive picture taking
Testing the boundaries of a child’s comfort levels—listen for off-color jokes or games having a sexualized angle (like truth-or-dare)
Touching that progresses to be inappropriate—watch for accidental grazing of a private part or lap sitting
Intimidating or threatening kids to keep from reporting abuse—listen for things that question a child’s believability or “fault”
Sharing sexually explicit material—listen for sexual terms used freely/frequently and watch for sexualized pictures or videos
Communicating secretly—look for online interactions, including texts, emails, and calls

Respond

Survivors need a great deal of support and caring as they begin to address and survive the experience. Your response can have a major impact in how a child understands abuse and how they recover.

Help your child know how to respond

Kids should understand how to respond if someone—adults or other children—break the rules about touching them. They need to know:

What to say to someone who breaks the rules about touching. For example:
- “No! Don’t touch my private parts.”
- “My body is private. You can’t touch me there.”
- “Leave me alone.”
- “Don’t do that.”
To move away from someone who is breaking the rules about touching. Tell your child that it’s OK to get out of someone’s lap or pull away from a hug, even if an adult tells or asks you to sit on their lap or hug them. 
To tell you or another trusted adult if someone breaks the rules about touching. And encourage them to keep telling someone until they respond and does something about it.

If you are concerned about a child

Timing and atmosphere are important. Choose a calm, unhurried, and private time to talk. You might practice what you plan to say with a peer. Use simple, conversational language, gauged to your child’s level of understanding.

To start the conversation casually, you might ask a question like:

“It’s nice to have a chance to sit and talk for a minute, isn’t it?”
“Can I do anything for you?”
“How is everything going at camp/school/etc.? What’s your favorite thing there? Your least favorite thing?”
“You know it’s important that you tell me right away if something inappropriate happened, right? That way I can make sure you are safe.”
“I love you very much and I’m concerned that you might be upset about something. Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

If a young person shares their experience with you

Follow these four steps:

Listen

Do your best to stay calm and let them talk. Don’t pry but ask a few questions that will help you understand what happened, like an example of what made them uncomfortable.

You want to communicate that you are open to discussing this topic and that you can handle whatever they need to tell you.

Reassure

An abused child might be scared, angry, confused, and/or crying. You can reassure them with a few simple comments like:

“I know how hard this is to talk about.”
“You are very brave for sharing.”
“I am proud you found a way to get help.”
“You are doing the right thing by telling me.”
“This isn’t your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I’m very sorry this has happened to you.”

If a child is uncomfortable, you can help to put them at ease by sitting close, using a calm tone, or giving a hug.

Protect

Make sure the young person is safe. Do not let the accused person have any further contact with them. Tell the child you will do everything you can to keep them safe and supported. Let them know you must share what he or she has told you with others who can help.

Report

Write down as quickly as you can everything the child or teen shares with you in as much detail as possible, using their actual words, not your own interpretation. To report concerns or suspected abuse, call your local police department.